6-28-04 - The Dentures Dream

No pain log today... It would be redundant (everything hurts at about 5, except headache is a dull 4).

I woke this morning from one of those 'dentures' dreams...
For some reason I was getting a 'dental makeover', and when I came out of anesthesia, I wasn't sporting new porcelain veneers but a mouthful of DENTURES...
I remember being VERY, VERY upset and disappointed. I can even remember how they FELT in my mouth, grit from adhesive and all, like a pair of heavy plastic coasters...
Although my teeth are far from perfect, they're all mine, and I can still eat steak and corn on the cob with the best of them...:-)

Busy morning.... It's after 6am and I'm trying to wake up AND get caught up on some things around the house (not dishes yet -- that'll be a WHOLE DAY thing tomorrow!) as well as find a way to get my electric and phone bills paid today (shutoff on Wednesday), and also need to call my att and find out what's going on with disability (as in, anything on a hearing date yet -- it'll be 1 year next month that we appealed and asked for a hearing on my SSI/SSDI app). Trying not to feel negative and hopeless, but both missions (bills and att) will most likely be disappointments today, as usual...
I hate Mondays...

Nash wants a new bike.
He says it's because the one he's riding now is falling apart (it is, but still fair condition though) but I know it's because he's bitter about his Dad (who gave it to him way back in early 2003 -- he told Nash he picked it up off a curb somewhere and fixed it up; Nash then chose it over the almost-new red one I'd bought him the year before), who we have not heard from since he stood us up for an ice cream trip a year ago (abt. May 2003 - said he had a NASCAR race to watch).
Nash told me one night he's tired of telling his friends 'where his Dad is' so he just tells them the truth (that he doesn't know) but he takes it out on the bike (leaves it in the yard, doesn't use the kickstand, etc.) and snaps "Good!" when I warn him someone may steal it...

So last night when I found a couple extra dollars in my wallet when I went to the store I picked up two Lotto tickets for the big game tomorrow night... 210 million and counting. Wow. Wouldn't THAT be nice...
Could buy LOTS of cool new bikes with THAT, I'm thinking... :-)

And that's all I can do right now... WISH. HOPE...

Off to climb onto the Monday track...

6-23-04 - Now That I've Taken Care of THAT....

Hello, today, a Wednesday, and June 23...

June 23, 2004 AM Pain Log

Wake: 6:05am (hip & back pain, #5 headache, extreme lower ext. weakness, stiffness, extreme fatigue) (est. total 2.5 - 3 hrs. sleep - woke 3-4 times due to pain) Meds: 60mg Celexa & 1 Lasix (a daily) at 7:10am Pain: headache = 5 bodyaches = 7 stiffness =6 nausea = 0 weakness = 7 bm = 0 fatigue = 6 Notes: 1 cup of coffee with sugar/Equal/cream

Never did get to the yard sale...I was too wiped out that day (Saturday). So now I have assorted boxes of 'sale stuff' littering my kitchen, hallway and living room... Maybe next week, if the weather is good.

Last night I helped Trisha do her resume here on my computer...tokk a few hours (10pm to 1:30am), but she left happy, and with a decent resume, cover letter and reference sheet in hand. Hope it helps her get the job she's applying for (Social Services Coordinator)....
I didn't get a lot of good sleep last night. Not only was it brief, I woke sevweral times with major hip pain and weakness, along with a knot of pain in my back and shoulders that I'm sure is a result of sitting for so long last night (while helping trish at the computer). But that was on top of the several hours I spent earlier in the day burning a CD for Mike (brother); we picked him up a little after 1pm and brought him over for the afternoon.
Today I'm watching my younger nieces (they should be here any minute so I have to hurry) 'til around 1-1:30, as I have an appointment with a new Pain Doc at 2pm... Will need to get hold of Dad to take me to that, as I'm possibly getting back/hip injections for pain while there and won't be able to drive home afterwards...
Hoping for some relief.

This morning's dream was bizarre: I was in a long line, but second in line, right behind a girl who was giving the cashier (store? bank? hard to tell) a lot of trouble...you know, making the cashier look things up, filling out forms, etc.
It looked like the cashier was going to throw her out, and then...
The girl turned around, grabbed me and held a gun to my head, telling everyone (and the cashier) I'd be dead if they didn't 'put her through'...
I remember the terror and helplessness, feeling the cold muzzle of the gun pressed against my cheek and ear, and trying to remember the Lord's Prayer so I could ask God forgiveness before I died, but instead I kept whimpering and crying my son'd name over and over...he was all I could think about! My soul rated second to my son'd welfare...
Then I woke up. In a TON of muscle aches and pains. And feeling weak and dizzy from the nightmare. Glad it was just that, but feeling a lot of angst as a result...

Need to get dressed, and ready....Kat will be here with the girls soon, and the house is a mess (will try to tackle dishes first...).

6-23-04 - Testing...Will this Make it Through Today? 6-19 entry Included

So several days ago, June 19th to be exact, I had a lot to say and tried, unsuccessfully, for several hours to get my thoughts to stick to my Blog... BUT I kept getting server error messages, so glumly saved my post over to my hard drive, in hopes of posting it later.
Several hours later that day: same thing, NO BLOG... :-(

Ah well, trying again today...
Stream of consciousness isn't very effective when servers act up.

Will edit this in a few, IF it goes through....
(big sigh)

Okay, it works... So this entry, below, is for last week (June 19th):

6-19-04 - Beautiful Day but with Heavy Morning Fog

June 19, 2004 AM Pain Log

Wake: 6:15am (hip & left knee pain, lower ext. weakness, stiffness, extreme fatigue) (est. total 4.5 hrs. sleep - woke only 1 time due to pain) Meds: 60mg Celexa & 1 Lasix (a daily) at 6:20am Pain: headache = 1 bodyaches = 4 stiffness =5 nausea = 0 weakness = 7 bm = 1 fatigue = 7 Notes: 2 cups of coffee with sugar/Equal (cutting back on the asp. sweetener)/cream

How new is this? I'm once again putting off getting work done as I write this...
I promised Connie E. I would be able to help her out, for a show she's setting a booth up at, by doing some drawings for her (of Door Country, Wisconsin... lighthouses, sailboats, harbor, bluffs, etc.). I did spend a few hours on locating and saving pictures yesterday. I'm supposed to be manipulating them in Photoshop right now, so I can print them out and do pen and ink drawings from the staged prints... They're to be 'coloring artwork', so she can sell them with plastic mugs that have inserts...the kind kids can color before they slip the paper insert into the lining of the mug...
At one time, the whole project would have taken me two or three hours, tops. Now, I stretch these mini-projects into days and weeks, if ever.
It's the FOG that makes it impossible in the morning for me to do much...thinking is hard enough, but CREATIVE thinking? I wind up only making myself more frustrated and depressed...
I also promised Nash that we would put together a Yard Sale here today...the weather today is to be GREAT (clear and sunny but with a temp high of only 71!), but I'm so sore, stiff and TIRED I am having trouble just sitting here typing, let alone getting dressed, moving boxes around, setting things up outside...

My garden is nice this week... both container roses are in full bloom, yellow and white, about 3 - 4 blooms each and more coming. The red Blaze (climbing) rose is in between right now, as I deadheaded the old blooms last week. New buds forming, though. The Camellias finally started blooming (nice, but not what I expected), and the Morning Glories have arrived. A couple of the Glads out front are getting ready to blossom, and I had to cut back some of the 3 Clematis as they are becoming a monster that threatens to topple their trellis... I wish I could have somehow managed to get the Pergola built on the deck this Spring. Next year....

Yesterday I had more labwork (blood drawn) at the hospital, for the upcoming visit with a new Doc (Benyama?) Tuesday. He'll be giving me injections in my spine (for pain), too. Hoping there'll be some relief there. The ones Dr. Li #1 gave me in Feb or March didn't do anything (long term), but in fact made me worse the week after...
I'll have to check and see if I have another appt with Dr. Li #2 coming up. She was the one who put me on the Lasix, for my spinal/brain pressure. The monster headache is all but gone (just a dull, FULL kind of ache now), but the 'clicking, popping and fizzing' I keep hearing in my head (when I move my head or neck) bothers me TERRIBLY. I've noticed the spasms of 'facial numbness' have not been around this past month, so maybe the Lasix treatment is helping?

Really broke this month, as cash assistance was dropped in May and now we have no money at all coming in. Dad is nearing 80, and has helped me all he can, but it sickens me to have to watch him pay my rent AND utility bills the past couple months... Everything's on disconnect or 90 days past due...
I keep thinking, when I am outside mowing the grass or watering my garden, that maybe I can find a 10 or 15 hour a week job taking care of plants somewhere...but then reality hits: I can't even keep up with my own little garden! The weeds have been unpulled for a month now, and there are bugs eating away at my Petunias and Hollyhocks, and the Rhododendrons are sick and dying. I just don't have the energy 4 out of 7 mornings to even care how to fix those things, so that tells me I'd only make a boss extremely unhappy if I were doing this for a part time job...
Have not heard from my att in several months...know it's about time to give him updates, but I don't even find the strength and energy to gather papers and notes. I wish he'd call me and tell me we have a hearing date (it's been almost a YEAR since our appeal for a hearing on my disability claim)...

Damn, have to get SOMETHING done this morning (besides this)...

6/7/04 - Not That I Forgot...

Oh, pain log time... I added 'concentration' as a point to consider, and noted this week's daily meds:

June 7th, 2004 AM Pain Log

Wake: 4:30am (HEADACHE; neck, back and hip pain; lower ext. weakness, stiffness; ) (est. total 4 hrs. sleep - woke at least twice due to headache and body pain) Daily Meds: 60mg Celexa; Lasix; Flexeril(3X); potassium; Premarin; ^Darvocet; ^Butabital; ^Advil; ^Tylenol (^ = 'as needed') Pain: headache = 7 - 8 bodyaches = 6 stiffness =6 nausea = 2 weakness = 6 bm = 4 *concentration = 6 Notes: 2+ cups of coffee with sweetening/cream

6/7/04 - Under Pressure...in more ways than one

It's Monday, another weekend behind me. Anymore, the only difference between the 'week' and 'weekend' for me is whether I can possibly see a Doc right away if my pain and/or symptoms warrant it...
I've been taking the Lasix and potassium pills since Friday now, but feel no difference (pressure in head, never-ending headache, weakness) except that now my bladder has me in the bathroom every fifteen minutes 'til noon... The headache is no longer a thundering roar, but diminished to a pounding jackhammer. I guess that's improvement, though...
I do know that, from what I've read about 'intracranial pressure' (pseudotumor?), this increased pressure in the brain is a serious thing. And that makes me worried because everything else continues to work in 'slow motion': my Doc has me scheduled for more labwork on the 18th (3 weeks??) and a followup a week after THAT...
The blurred vision spells are getting more frequent (hourly or less) and my hearing is like I'm 'under water'. I'm also 'seeing things': like a movement that isn't there, or shapes that make no sense ('til I study it long and hard and see that it is a bookshelf and its shadow, for instance).
The 'heavy head' is the worst, though, as it feels like I'm balancing a watermelon on my stiff and achingly painful neck, with little crackles and 'ticks' constantly going on in the back of my head...

Perhaps the worst of all of this: I feel I'm becoming more 'crippled' by the day: it was bad that, before this all got worse, I had to make dishes wait a few days at a time, and that housecleaning had become a 'sort of once or twice a month' thing, but now... I managed yesterday to 'sort' the dishes to get them ready for washing, but tired quickly, and hope to actually get to washing some of them today. And the carpet needs vaccuuming badly (thanks to my shedding kitties). This room (computer room, we call it now) is so cluttered I barely have a 2 foot by 6 foot patch to navigate in (it's tight in here anyway, with two desks AND a large drafting table and 2 bookcases) without bumping into something (Cd's falling everywhere, papers that I thought were important enough to print that wind up on the floor under my chair, etc.).

It's enough that I feel GUILTY for the half hour or so a day I squeeze out of my reserves to water and look after my flowers outside...

The 2nd Clematis (Magenta) has begun to bloom, and all 3 have all but overtaken one side of the deck... Both container roses are building nice new buds, and the climbing Blaze rose has already produced NICE clusters (and continues)... One of the little potted Hydrangea starters, the white one of the three (Red, White, Blue) has had a crown of white blossoms for a few weeks now, and it's only a four inch tall starter plant!
I sprinkled some wildflower seeds in the back by the gas meters, and finally got around, this past weekend, to putting the Lupine and Columbine starts in the ground back by the shed...
And I finally recharged the batteries to my digital camera this weekend, tested it with a few pics of my flowers...it works fine! That's a positive thing.

I just wish I could concentrate more and get some WORK done (have a few things that have piled up, going on a MONTH now), so I don't completely lose credibility and strand myself completely. A friend of a guy I did work for in the past has wanted me to give him some ideas, do some work on a new wwebsite for him, and I can't think straight long enough to get anything done on it...

Caught myself looking at the clock again -- hard to remind myself that Nash doesn't need to wake up now (5:30am) to get ready for school...SUMMER vacation!

Need to reset a few minutes, try to get something REAL done this morning...

A Cottage greenhouse - this is a picture that makes me feel good. I love gardening these days, and wish I was able to do more with it. 

Catching Up (Right)

So I saw my Neuro Doc the other day about the results of the LP (spinal tap),
Turns out (why didn't I know THIS was coming?) everything 'looks normal'.
BUT, she said, my pressure is slightly elevated,
Okay...intracranial pressure is elevated. Something about a 'pseudotumor' (which I know by now means it's not really a 'tumor'). And prescribed me water pills (Lasix) to try and decrease the pressure.
No layman's explanation, no plan of attack...just another 'let's give you something to RELIEVE THE SYMPTOMS' instead of 'let's get to the bottom of this and find out what's causing the problem and fix THAT'...
Kat's right (my sis, who's also a Nurse): I place too much hope for 'magic' in the hands of my docs...

The headache has become a permanent tenant in my skull, although a little quiter now and then. It makes odd (and disturbing) noises in the back of my head (creaks, crackles, crunching, ticking). And the back of my head hurts, too, above and at my neck, making it hard to turn my head well (and more noises)...
I feel like I'm under water, right at that point where you know you HAVE to go up for air or ELSE. Full, tight like a watermelon, and heavy as one, too.
It's affected my hearing in much the same way: feel like I'm hearing in a 'muffled' way...
Know this isn't really 'possible', but when I touch my head (sides, top, back) it feels 'squishy' where I press with my fingertips. I've had a slight fever off and on since this all started over a month ago...
AND, strange things happening to my hands: my fingers are aching, swollen and -- PEELING! -- just above the cuticles... It's as if I woke up two mornings ago with this, and it's worse this morning (more fingers affected).

It's 4:30am (well, 4:50 now) on a Saturday, and I shouldn't be up at this hour, but Kat's bringing the girls over for the day (and tonight) on her way to work this morning, so I wanted to be up and about an hour or so before they get here.
I need my 'coffee time', that first hour or so of being between night and day (almost said between 'sleep' and awake' -- ha! That's ALL NIGHT...).

Nash has his first week of summer vacation under his belt now. He'll be in 7th grade this Fall... becoming such a young man. He's a handful, buthe makes me proud.

Too tired to do my pain level chart thingy this morning... outside of my back, hips, elbows and head hurting (as usual), and with some weakness in my legs, today might be one of my 'good' days...

5/22/04 - Saturday Morning

Yesterday I was too flat-out tired to do anything...
The heat and humidity of the past couple days has been enormous, and I'm realizing how lucky I am to have central air-conditioning. Of course, because I tend to 'stress' so much, I'm worried that it could be on its last legs ... 30 year old unit, runs all the time now, have to thump the wall beside it sometimes to get it to come on, and the unit itself, outside, is rusting and leaning to one side a bit...

Yesterday was Friday, and it was Nash's last full week of school: next week he'll go three full days, and then they have a last 'hour' day to pick up report cards, say good bye to teachers and classmates, etc. It's so hard for me during the days now, when he's been at school all day; I know this will be a rough summer for both of us, because he'll be bored, and I can't get out and do anything 'fun' with him. I'm definitely in worse shape than I was last summer, and I anticipate some major disputes this year as I try to get Nash involved more in chores around the house. He's having a difficult time understanding that, at 12, it's time he learned to assume some daily chores anyway -- that it's not 'just because' I'm unable to do as much...

The stormy weather has stayed pretty much to the North of us the past couple days (Thank God!), but there's a front that continues to hover over Northern Iowa, Illinois, that threatens to shift southerly in the next few days. Because I'm prone toward negativity, I'll say bad weather'll probably visit us again over the weekend or Monday.
My fondest wish (besides being healthy again!) is to have a sturdy 2-3 bedroom bungalow with a nice, dry basement. Several weeks ago, my Dad (nearing 80 now) was looking into buying a house in a small town not far from here: he said he wanted to see Nash and I get into a house while we could, at a low price and while he was able to 'help us out'. But I told him we would only join him in that endeavor if he, himself, were going to live in the house, so that Nash and I could insure he lived 'at home and with family' through his later years, where we could take care of him as his needs increase. He was happy with that for a week, went through all the motions (made the offer, applied for the loan at a bank, etc.), even seemed happy about it; he, Nash and I visited the house twice more during that week, and Nash and I both fell in love with it, AND the prospect of being closer, and of more help, to Dad...
But he changed his mind and stopped the process just as the offer was being accepted, the bank approved... said it was because Nash and I 'didn't want it', that he had wanted it for us, not himself, and that I wasn't letting him do it the way he wanted.
I told him we did want the house, and that we had agreed to move into it whether he did right away or not--that he would always have his room and many of his belongings already there and waiting for when he did want/need to move in...
I'm a little frustrated, to say the least. My sis and I talked about it, and we agree, again, that he's at an age where he wants to do the right thing, but later hits a 'bad day' and feels there's no point to anything. We both worry about this, because he's frequently going between impulsiveness, then reluctance. It goes with aging, we know...

Anyway. That would have been nice, to have the peace of mind knowing that Nash and I would've always been around to help Dad in the coming years, and, of course, knowing we had a home with a basement, something to pass down to Nash someday... But it didn't happen, and we move on...

I've just noticed, and decided, that I can't keep going back over everything I write, and meticulously correcting spelling, grammar, etc. It takes too long, and I'd rather go with my train of thought as it flows, fat-fingers be damned.
This is another depressing aspect of FM: the stiffness and pain is everywhere, and my once graceful and adept hands now feel like swollen sausages, my once fresh and quick-witted thinking now rushing at best, muddled and confused at worst...

The headache has only gotten worse. I know some of this might be 'rebound' effect, from the meds I take, but last time I tried telling my Doc this, he referred me to the neuro Doc. And that Doc sent me in for a Spinal Tap... and now I wait for the results. I have to somehow survive, and live day to day, with this crushing, splitting headache-that-never-goes-away, for weeks, 'til someone there finds the time to look at my CSF results. My Sis wondered yesterday why they haven't called yet, and I told her the Doc's nurse told me (last week) that it would be three weeks probably before they would get the results back from the lab. It seems they're not overly concerned, because my 'new' symptoms have been around for several weeks, and that must mean they're not life-threatening.
Okay...
They're just 'quality-of-life threatening'.

Took a little walk this morning around my yard, looking over my little garden... the peonies (I have 9 planted, 6 of which are in full bloom) are magnificent, and their fragrance is heavenly, like roses. I have been keeping my vase, indoors, stocked with cuttings all week, and took some out to Mom's grave (as well as my late Grandma's, Emma Mae, whom I never knew but am fascinated by, in my family tree research). My climbing Blaze rose (planted this Spring as a 1 year old starter) is not blooming yet, but has a mass of buds, and a lot of healthy growth. I have one each of Grandiflora and Floribunda roses planted in large containers on the deck, and the 'Golden Sunrise' (Golden Sunshine?) rose has already produced two beautful yellow blooms, with another on the way; the other rose is a white rose, and I had some trouble with it at first (blackspot, leaf miners) but it seems to be getting healthy now, and has one fat bud about ready to open...
I've also, in the past year and this, planted:
Weigelia - beuatiful, lush and sprawling bush, with profuse bright magenta 'trumpet-like' blooms
Honeysuckle - I need a bigger trellis as this plant is starting to spread out, can't wait for the clusters of buds to open...
Hydrangea - new babies, this year, two in the ground, and three in containers; no blooms expected this year, but they're healthy and growing...
Rhododendron - two beautiful bushes along the partial sun area of our home -- they were vibrant with deep pink blooms initially (in April), but seem to be content just growing leaves now...hope they'll bloom again this summer?
Lilac - two of these, different varieties, with one a two year old this year, and it had a nice show of sweet-smelling blossom-clusters this Spring. I think the one I planted this Spring will wait to bloom NEXT year...
White Gladiolus - there is a row of them out front, started with about 8 when I planted the bulbs three years ago. Now, there's more like 20 that are starting to come up, usually bloom about late June, early to mid July. I love these plants, just wish they'd bloom more than once a summer for me ...

I've also planted HollyHocks last year, and it seems many self-seeded, because dozens are coming up on their own!
I planted Lily-of-the-Valley and Astilbe in the back part of the yard, where it is shady, but they are not flourishing (yet?)...
Also, among my garden, some annuals, the obligatory Petunias, Alyssum, some tiny cobalt blue ground flowers I can't remember the name of, red bachelor buttons, two sunflowers, an assortment of (blue) Morning Glories, (Red) Cardinal Creepers and (white) Moonflowers...
My "hopefuls": I started some salvia/sage and creeping phlox in the front yard at the base of my three year old dwarf (Yellow Delicious) Apple Tree, and have a container of Lupine started on the porch, as well as Camellias (sp?) planted in the partial sun between the Rhododendrons...

And then there's the Clematis -- three varieties which I, without much experience or forethought, planted right next to each other, 2 years ago: they are rampant, in their third year and threatening to overtake the deck -- and any surrounding flowers. As much of a pain it is to daily 'guide' their tendrils and branches away from my roses and peonies, I love their summer-long show... One flowers in Spring (right about now), big, fat white double blossoms... Another will give a June show of brilliant magenta and purple-blue flowers ... and the strongest Clematis produces masses of small white blossoms from July to October...
I need to get a pergola built over my deck for those happy, growing Clmatis...SOON...

Enough about the flowers.
I used to talk endlessly like this about my writing and art projects!
I've run off too long this morning about flowers...
Glancing out my window just now, it looks like clouds have come in and the sunny blue-sky morning is gone.
Need to wake Nash before it gets too late, as we have to go and collect my "Apple stuff' from the flea market I had it consigned at; they're closing down for good next week...
Don't know where I'm going to put it all, as the shed is full...

Out of here...

May 22nd, 2004 AM Pain Log

Wake: 7:10am (headache, back and hip pain, lower ext. weakness, stiffness) (est. total 6 hrs. sleep - but woke three or four times due to pain, and took 2 Tylenol Extra (500mg ea.) about 3:30am) Meds: 60mg Celexa (a daily); 1 Flexeril - at 7:20am Pain: headache = 6-7 bodyaches = 5 stiffness =6 nausea = 0 weakness = 5 bm = 2 Notes: 2+ cups of coffee with sweetening/cream

5/20/04 - Ooooh, My Aching Bones

Hard to get to sleep last night, but I was a bad girl (stayed up till midnight checking out the AI forum); as a result, I couldn't get sleepy enough till I had taken more pain meds (Advil) and then tossed and turned for a couple more hours....
Had to wake at 4:30 am to stagger to the bathroom, nausea and splitting headache hit, so here I am, quasi-awake, in mortal agony, with only (maybe) 3 hours of sleep under my belt...
I will be messed up for days now.

Starting today, I will begin my morning posts with a 'wake up log' of my pain levels, meds and sleep tally. It's what I should be doing everyday, but have failed at doing the handwritten attempts...

May 20th, 2004 AM Log

Wake: 4:35am (cramping, headache, nausea) (est. 2 hrs. sleep) Meds: 2 Butabital at 5am (*hasn't helped yet*) Pain: headache = 6-7 bodyaches = 4-5 stiffness = 5 nausea = 3-5 weakness = 3 bm = 6 Notes: 1 cup of coffee with sweetening/cream

Godzilla headache...must....go....lie....down....

Later...

5/19/04 - An Ode to Slow

Okay, I woke up in such terrible shape this morning I've only been able to get up on feet since 2pm this afternoon.
This is the worst part of FM: when you feel 'okay' and are having a 'good' day (say, pain at about 3 - 4 on the 10 scale), you look around and think 'oh, my, I have so many things that MUST get done today, while I'm able'... Even at your best effort, you're lucky to get to 2 laundry loads of the 5 waiting, all the dishes washed save for the dinner plates, coffee mugs and pots and pans (plan to do them tomorrow, even though you know it'll be more like a few days) and maybe the front yard mowed (forget weeding--it just doesn't happen anymore)....

So the next two or three days are spent in a fog and haze of pain and stiffness, pain hitting 7 - 8, some fever and overheating spells, nausea and a terrible gnashing headache that all the Imitrex or Butabital can't touch.
I make little lists on those 'down days' -- lists that I try to break tasks down into small parts that can be done, a little bit at a time, daily, so I can better conserve my limited strength. But even though it sounds good (Monday - wash coffee mugs and silverware, do 1 load of laundry, dust bricabrac and wall pictures; Tuesday - wash glasses and cereal bowls, fold and put yesterday's laundry away, vacuum living room; Wednesday - mow front yard and water flowers, wash dinner plates and coffee mugs; Thursday - you get the idea), it just doesn't implement well...
...especially if I'm under a migraine for four days and almost everything gets put on hold (Nash calls them the 'paper plate nights'). So I wind up doing 'emergency' chores: wash 2 plates, 2 bowls, 2 sets of silverware and a glass and mug each ... wash 3 or four pair of jeans, underwear and shirts for Nash ...

When I was growing up, I remember Mom was always tired at the end of the day, and my Dad (an Air Force seargent who worked on the electrical systems of jets and test planes in Edwards AFB) would come home and yell at Mom: "Where's Supper? I want supper on the table at 5:30 every night, not 6:30!" (or 4:45... that happened a couple of times and was pretty bizarre).... "What did you do all day? This house is a mess!" (it wasn't... my Mom was quite neat, but Dad would tell her to 'clean up this house' if even a couple magazines were on the sofa instead of their magazine rack).
Anyway, Mom usually wound up crying. She'd be in the kitchen trying to be angry at Dad (instead of sad), banging her fist on the counter a couple times, clanging a pan on the stove or slamming a cupboard door shut so he'd know she was mad....

I think it was about the time I was nine or ten that I started helping Mom in the kitchen (instead of lamming out the back door to play), mostly stirring and stuff like that. She showed me how to snap green beans, and rinse limas, so sometimes I jumped at the chance to do that for her. She tried showing me how to peel apples and potatoes with a paring knife several times, but I stubbornly used that nifty gadget, the potato peeler, on both, instead. Still do, to this day...

It seemed my Mom was always working, always cooking, cleaning up after supper, doing dishes, sweeping... and hanging just washed laundry on the clothesline in the backyard to dry. Back then, in the late 60's, Mom really tried pressing Dad to get us a dryer, as they were cheaper, and almost everyone had one by then.
Dad put up a second clothesline...

I helped Mom with hanging the clothes on the lines. We did this even through winter, because in the Mojave Desert in California, it never really got so cold we couldn't. But Spring and Summer was best. How many people know how wonderful it feels to hang wet laundry on a backyard clothesline?
...a cold, damp sheet flapping against your face and arms on a hot morning, reaching into the clothespin bag from where it hung on the bobbing line for another old, squeaky pin - pinning the sheet, smoothing wrinkles from its damp drape -- then scooting the bag up the line some more as you repeat the process till the whole sheet has been hung in a long fold over the clothesline...

We'd go out later in the afternoon, and it was my job to take clothes from my Mom as she took them down from the line. Again, the pins squeaked and creaked as she did so, clacking as she dropped them with her right hand into the clothespin bag as she went, her left hand laying the crisp, sun-warmed dresses, washcloths, towels, jeans and Dad's numerous olive-green fatigues across my waiting arms. I'd run a heaping armful over to the big basket at the end of the clothesline, moving it up a little as I went along... Everything smelled like grass, sunshine and sky, and you could still feel the heat of the desert wind in them even after they had all been brought inside to the dining room table, where I tried helping Mom fold things before she shooed me off, told me to go play.

I know my Dad worked hard, and life had never been easy for him.
But even as a child, I (and my 1 year younger sister) worried about Mom. She seemed so frail, always feeling 'fainty' and having to sit down. Hot days were worse on her than anything else, but she would still do the laundry, dishes and housework till she was ready to drop. We had no air-conditioning back then (we couldn't afford it), just one old metal fan Mom and Dad had bought when they were newlyweds in 1956, and that was always in a window in the living room, blowing out instead of in. In the desert, humidifiers helped to cool things down a little (we called them 'water coolers'), but I know my Mom suffered terribly from the heat...and this a girl born and raised in the Deep South of Lafayette, Alabama. Or maybe it was all the work she had to do as a housewife and mother of four kids.

I often wonder that my mother didn't have Fibromyalgia all that time (it's said to run in families), but Doctors just didn't know what to call it. It was unheard of for a housewife to shirk her duties 'just because she felt a little tired', so Dad was especially hard on her when he came home and found Mom sitting down, fanning herself, or, worse, that she had been lying down on the sofa for a bit after a 'fainty' spell...
Mom always tried to explain that she hadn't been feeling well, and that she had 'always been slow'... I often wonder that she hadn't used the word 'slow' when in fact she was actually stiff, and sore, most of the time, even as a young woman.

No, I have not digressed, although it may seem that way at first glance...

I think my main observations this afternoon have come about because I was just outside, from 2:30 to 3:30 on this hot, humid afternoon, attempting to mow as much of the yard as I could. The rain we've had the past few days made it grow incredibly fast...
Afterwards, I came inside, and had to sit down with a cold glass of iced tea, and admit I felt 'fainty'.
And admit that, now, the dishes will not get touched tonight.
As I write this, I can feel the sweat that drenched me only an hour ago finally drying in the cool (air-conditioned) half-dimness of this little room I call an office, and can finally catch my breath a little better; but, from my hips down, all is trembling weakness, and I know I am done for the day. Again.

My son just walked in from school a few minutes ago, and I've allowed him to watch cartoons in the living room a few minutes while I get to a stopping point here. He knows I will tell him to get on his homework as soon as I'm able to hobble from here to there, but he also knows he's safe for spell.

Because I'm going to be 'slow' this afternoon...