5/18/04 - Same Day, Still Morning, Finishing up for now...

I think I can do this...
Not sure yet why, but I'll do anything for a reason to keep busy during (and in between, although that's rare) pain episodes.

For the uninitiated (and perhaps more as a confirmation to myself?):
Fibromyalgia (also known as Fibro, FM, FMS) is a disease.
Some call it a 'syndrome' -- ha! -- but those of us afflicted know the difference, and I won't go into semantics here now...
Here's the standard definition:

According to the diagnostic criteria for Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) published by the 1990 American College of Rheumatology (ACR). Fibromyalgia patients must have:

Widespread pain in all four quadrants of their body for a minimum of three months.
At least 11 of the 18 specific tender points
Although the above criteria, created for research purposes, focuses on tender point count, a recent consensus of 35 FMS experts has determined that a person does not need to have the required 11 tender points to be diagnosed and treated for FMS.

Many people who have less than 11 of the required tender points may still be diagnosed with FMS as long as they have widespread pain and many of the common symptoms associated with FMS. Commonly associated symptoms include:

Fatigue
Sleep disorder (or sleep that is unrefreshing)
Jaw pain (TMJ dysfunction
Post-exertion malaise and muscle pain
Numbness and tingling
Skin sensitivities
Morning stiffness
Irritable bowel
Chronic headaches (tension type or migraines)
Cognitive or memory impairment
Menstrual cramping and PMS
Dizziness or impaired coordination.

Reprinted from Arthritis and Rheumatism Journal, © 1990.

I do have 'all of the above', save for the 'Menstrual cramping, etc.'. That part of my life as a woman is now over, thanks to a quick-thinking Doc's decision and, consequently, misdiagnosis 3 years ago. Turns out my sudden onset of symptoms back then had absolutely nothing to do with 'female problems'. But I paid the ultimate price for his mistake: I can no longer have children, and surgical menopause only exacerbated the awakening FM symptoms.
There are a lot of what-if's that I could wallow in:

IF only the father of my son had stuck around 12 years ago and 'done right' by us, I might have a better 'support network' now... unlike a perfect family unit (Mom, Dad, the Kid(s)...) I have no one to 'take care' of my son and I as I struggle to adapt to this invisible life-wrecker of a disease.

IF my former boss had only understood and been patient a few more months ... I was 'let go' after too many absences (they won't say 'because of illness'--they'd be too easily sued).

IF my Mother was still alive, I know she'd be of immense emotional support and encouragement to me these days. We never grow out of needing a hug from Mom...

IF cancer had struck me instead, I know I'd get more support and understanding from family, friends, doctors, people in general... (ouch. know that was a terrible IF to include on this list, but when you're in pain every single day and night, 'terminal' starts to take on a new -- and somewhat gentler -- meaning...

In short, my life has become the 'poster child' of 'before and after':

Before:
Even as a mother in 1999, I was attractive and dating (several men -- one was 10 years younger than me, a guitarist in a local rock band), going out dancing at least two or three nights a month, working at a local IT firm as Project Manager & Art Director, driving a 1998 Black Camaro with a $1400 stereo system, rollerblading with my son after school, working out at Gold's Gym every afternoon (except Saturdays), weighing in at a perfect size 7, natural dishwater-blonde, writing on my 'great American novel', playing frisbee and/or catch with my son at the park several times a week, I could go on...

After:
Fast forward to now, four years later: 80 lb weight gain (size...ummmm, 1/2XX or 22w), hair has grown in dark mousey brown (and can't do a thing with it due to so many meds), no social life, unemployed and financially broken (bankruptcy looms), driving a rusted 'road grey' (no wonder people keep running into me--this car blends into the highway!) 1992 Chevy Cav, limited walking with a cane and oftimes shopping from a wheelchair, almost two dozen meds to keep track of (not including the other odd dozen or so that were hit-and-misses), several-times-weekly Doc appointments (five docs), repeated tests/XRays/bloodwork, on the Soc. Security Disability applicant merry-go-round (2 and 1/2 years this June), on Link (foodstamps) along with the standard glowers of disapproval from the folks behind me in line at checkouts everywhere, barely able to check the daily mail, enduring countless nights of less than 2 or 3 hours of sleep, being stared at by little children, run over by young men (who really should know better than to bolt in front of a woman hobbling along with a cane unless they're planning to open the door for her -- instead of letting it slam in my face in their sprint to get to the checkout/cash window/order counter before I do)...
Hmmmm, I'm sorry. That sounded bitter, didn't it?

Wear my shoes. They flat out hurt, and would put even Mother Teresa in a bad mood...

It's hard looking at my life "as it was" when I am in it, "as it is" now.

In this online diary (okay, Blog, then) I will try to evacuate as much bitterness from me as possible, and hope I can mulch in in some hope as I go.
A daily video-cam of me and my life for a few weeks might serve the same purpose (when played back later; I am sure I would be blown away by the ;after' of me, and perhaps work a little harder to soften the edges...), but that would cost money (which I do not have at my disposal these days).
So I will do this. Or try to.
Depending on how much pain I am in the morning, or afternoon, or evening...
This morning was actually a 'good' morning, in that the stiffness wasn't so bad, although my head was pounding (I've had the same moderate-to-severe top-of-head headache now for four weeks -- last week's brain scan looked okay, so I was sent home to endure this however long it wants to stick around).
I did have some odd work to do this morning (promised a former client I would update an ad banner for them--three weeks ago) but put it aside in favor of this (the Blog).
I feel a little better for having done so much writing this morning (although the nature of it bothers me a little), but a lot of guilt now for having procrastinated yet another day on an obligation...
The downside? As I've been sitting now for almost an hour, it will take me five minutes just to get to my feet, another ten to hobble to the living room, and an hour or two for the pain in my lower back -- and extreme weakness in my hips and legs -- to subside...
It was worth it, I guess. :-)